Today I went to kayak at a lake with my boyfriend’s daughter. We had driven by several lakes yesterday on the cascade lakes highway, and we picked one to go back to today. They were all beautiful, but we ended up at Little Lava Lake.
It started out as a beautiful paddle-clear, and calm. We spent about an hour exploring the different corners of the lake and appreciating having it virtually to ourselves. Except for a few ducks, a lot of gnats, and another person in a kayak fishing.
We noticed smoke start to roll in off In the distance as we meandered aimlessly around the lake. It was slowly swallowing up mountains around us. Eventually when we got off the lake, we noticed the smoke staring to consume the lake around as well.
I had told her that I wanted to swim when we were done. Mostly because it’s August 15th. And I like to do something beautiful(that was the kayaking) and something brave (the swim was going to be the brave). I know for a lot of people going swimming in a lake isn’t brave. But for me, swimming in any open body of water is brave. Really brave. So brave I asked her to take a picture for me. Just so I could mark it. It was a little cold initially. But it didn’t take long to adapt.
A few months ago I signed up for an Olympic Triathalon. It was going to be my 50th birthday experience, something to hang my hat on. And with 50, I felt like I needed something big. Except the closer it got, the more I realized my fear of open water wasn’t going to allow me to swim in a river close to a bunch of other people. I just couldn’t get past my own head space. To even practice it. And I knew I was in over my head. The tri came and went. And I’m still a little bummed it didn’t happen for me. But I’m also okay with it.
I know my life experiences mean that where I’m brave and where I’m not are not going to be the same places that other people are. Their life experiences are different. Their brave. Their fears. They are different.
As I watched that smoke roll in and our view disappear I thought of the same August day 19 years ago. Where tragedy turned our beautiful, clear, calm lives upside down. Clouded our views for sometime. Months. Years. And our lives were forever changed. Where we marked life different.
Time helps. But I still mark this day. With trying to do something beautiful, and something brave. So that if he sees me, he know I didn’t forget. And if he can’t, that I know, I haven’t forgotten.
I realize at almost 50, that I’ve been through a lot of life. Probably more behind me than in front of me. It is strange to think that at 50, I will have gotten twice as many years on this earth as Dust got. I got to see my kids grow up. And experience crazy, wonderful places and people. I got to live. Longer. Which doesn’t ever seem fair.
The longer I live the more I realize my desire to sit still with people I love and laugh. And listen. I’m trying to fill my life with health. And contentment with where I am and what I have. And rest in faith. When a bad day comes. Or I feel insufficient in an area. Looking back on how God has carried me this far, I’m pretty sure He is going to carry me the remainder.
I’m trying to remember that my experiences might limit the extent of my bravery. And that it’s okay. There’s other avenues to be brave. I can smile at strangers. And talk to random people. I can walk through hard things with friends. I can explore places I’ve never been. I can learn something new. I can try to be better than yesterday. I can swim in a cold lake. And tell you that I’m not always brave. And life is not always beautiful. But standing here on August 15th, at nearly 50, I know my life is abundantly blessed.
That smoke, that tragedy that rolled in and obstructed seeing clearly does eventually clear. Maybe not fully. But mostly. And I think it’s actually good that it leaves a little something behind. A little mark. That says life is not the same. But it can still have beauty. And bravery. And in the moments it doesn’t, it’s okay to not be as brave as you want to be. As brave as you can be.
I know my life experiences mean that where I’m brave and where I’m not are not going to be the same places that other people are. Their life experiences are different. Their brave. Their fears. They are different.
Let’s keep chasing beauty. And bravery. Whatever that looks like for each of us And health. And laughter. And connection. And Jesus. Together sweet friends. For however long we get~XO
As tragic as it was and as painful as it still must be at times, I can’t help but marvel at how God has used the heartache of Dustin’s death to mold you into the wise and beautiful woman that you are. I’m so grateful that you opened your heart to His healing and His purpose for you. Your compassion and encouragement are an inspiration to so many and I count myself incredibly blessed to be among them. ❤️